the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
