It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
