He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
