Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
