oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
