Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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