It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
