i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
