a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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