thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
