Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
