i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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