I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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