I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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