im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
