My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
