If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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