Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize