Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
