don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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