Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
