Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
