i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I love you. Go after that dick
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
