i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
