Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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