I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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