mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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