WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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