Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
