Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
