I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
