He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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