I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
