so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
