my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
