my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
