A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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