I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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