Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
