It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
