she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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