In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
