Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
