guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
