Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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