The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
