Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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