i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
