At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
