I feel like abortions should bother me more
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
