I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
