I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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