youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
