fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
