Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
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I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
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I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"