You just made me feel so damn special
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
