I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
