I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
