the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
