dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
